Poems In Memory of Felipe A. Pagan

~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
Orlando, Florida

Felipe dancing with his mother at the party, Dec 12th, 1998

Today In My Room

Today in my room
I cried all day
Thinking of you
Dying in pain

Today in my room,
I prayed
But I won't be safe again
Be safe from the pain

Oh God!!!!
How it hurts
My whole body aches

My eyes can not see
What's ahead of me
My heart can not bit
It can no longer dream

When I close my eyes
I can see your smile
It was perfect, my child
So gentle and bright

A brave little man
That grew up So fast!!!!!
My wonderful son
That died so alone

Today in my room
I'm thinking of you

Today I'm not brave
Today I'm in pain

Today in my room
I want to hug you
Today in my room
I can only hope
Today in my room
Everything is cold

To my son Felipe Forever 25

A Note for My Son

You're gone from my sight
But not from my heart
If I could go back
I'll hug you all night

This feels so unreal
But it's been a Year
I hope you're an Angel
And always be near

They say angels see
But they can not feel
The pain that we have
I'm glad that's a fact
Cause Mami don't want
For you to be Sad

You were the best son
A parent could have
So now you deserve
To be happy once

You always took care
Of everyone here
Your gift now is heaven
God has you for ever

You deserved the best
You always work hard
Now is time to rest
And fly all you want

Only one more thing
I want you to have
I send you my love
Big Kiss and a Hug

I send you my heart
You are my "Best Man"
You were the best son
Any one could have

For Felipe/forever 25 Ileana


I'm here just thinking like a mother
Whose darling son is here no longer
What's wrong with me?....
Why I didn't have?
The gift of giving you my child

I ask you Lord why was not I,
The one that closed my baby's eyes?
He died so lonely,
He must have cried!!
Why was not I, there by his side?

I read him stories every night
Talked about you up in the sky
We went to church and praise your name
Why couldn't I send him away?

That last reward I didn't have
To put his face close to my heart
To close his eyes,
And say Goodbye
To let him know he was my life
Your mother knows this kind of pain
Ask her one day, you must know that,
It is so bad, it brakes you apart
No child on earth should ever have
To die alone without his Mom

But who am I to ask you this?
Forgive me lord for I have sin
This awful pain won't let me think I want a dream!!!
I want my son here, now, with me

Please don't get mad,
I am so sad
I thought that I should let you know
That if you want, please let me have
One last reward

When is my turn to go away
I want my son, the one you have
To come and get me, if he can

I'll be so glad to touch his hand
And walked with him to heaven's farm
Could you my Lord let me have that?
I'll be so happy, I'll be so glad!!!!!!

A Place

I've just met a group of friends 
We all seem to feel the same
We are all part of a place
Where we share each others pain

In this place we're all alone
No one wants ever to go 
It is filled by those who lost 
At least a daughter or son
A child that will forever 
No longer be here with us

This place is not really far 
It is here in our hearts 
No one believes it exist
Others think is just a myth!!

Is a place where our old friends 
Seem to no longer ask 
About the kids we once had 
Like if they don't say a word
It will no longer hurt 
They are scared, they don't want
Ever to walk our path

We know no one understands
Unless they've been there once
Once you've entered this place 
There's no way you'll be the same 

It is in this place that we keep 
All the dreams that we once had 
All of our hopes and our past 
The memories of our child

It is in this place 
Where we've learned 
That the pain will not be less
Whether we are asleep or awake 
That we were betrayed by fate 
It is there where we pray 
And ask for that great reward

Dear God, please find the way 
We'll be patient and we'll wait
For that clear sunny day
When we no longer feel pain

We all want the same reward
See our child and have them back
Let them come and take our hand 
Let them take us to your land 
Let us never be apart

~written by Ileana Martin 
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999

My Sweet Delight

No matter what I do
I feel the pain 
Whether is a sunny
Or rainy day

Ever since you've gone
To the heaven above 
I miss so much
Your face, your smile 
Your love that was my life

He was so smart and bright
He'll make your day 
A sweet delight 
Without him there's no life

I couldn't see your eyes 
But boy!!!! I saw the smile 
The day you died
You surely saw the light

There's something you should know 
When I was young 
I had a crazy thought..... 
That love was only 
For the lucky and the strong

Until that day, 
That you were born 
I realized, that I have given life
To the most precious son alive

I understood right then and there 
The power of the light 
It took me all this time 
To really understand 
That you were His, not mine

Oh God!!!!!! 
How much a mother
Loves her child!!!!

I know that I will cry
Until the day I die
Don't ask me why 
I miss his smile

He was my son, my life
He was my sweet delight!!!!

~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan 
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999

Some Days When I'm Alone 

Some days 
When I'm alone
I fear !!!! 
Can't hold my tears

If I go out I hear the sounds 
Of families around

It makes me sad 
Cause I think back
When I had you 
Here in my arms

I feel the wind
Blow in my cheeks
And all I think.... 
My darling son 
Has given me a kiss

I hold my fear 
I hold my tears
And I think back.. 
All I could whisper
In your ears was

"Don't worry dear, 
Your Mami is here
So please don't fear. 
No more pain 
Will come your way.
I will get old, 
but you my love 
Forever will be young".

~written by Ileana Martin 
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999

The Club

I am a lucky member 
Of one special club 
We were selected at random 
Not knowing it will come

Each one of us as members
Have this unique rare bond 
We all have special angels
There in the sky above

This bond is.... Oh, so special 
That everyday we know
What each one of the members 
Is suffering alone

No words are necessary 
No cry we need to hear 
We fill each others pain
Whether we are far or near

We all know that our angels 
Are happy and at peace 
We just would like to see them
And at night...sing a lullaby 
Until they go to sleep

We all wish we could tell them 
How much they mean to us 
And while they were listening
Give them all a huge big hug

Oh God! please let me have
One day a big reward
I know that you can hear me
You know the pain I have

Let me one day if you can
Have my angel in my arms

Let me kiss him 
Long and hard!!!!! 
Let me see his face 
At last!!!!!!! 
Let me have him in my arms 
Let us never be apart

~written by Ileana Martin 
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999

Two, Not One

My dear friends 
My grieving has no end
I know my tears give you fear
I'm sorry I'm this way

My darling son 
That I adore 
Took here on earth
His final breath

From this day on 
Here in my home 
One will be missing 
One will be gone

Remember back,
when we all laugh?

Now all I want 
Is if you can
Sharewith me 
My past, my memories Of Him!!!!

That's all I ask
That's all I got

For I will never 
Forget once!!!! 
That I had two
Not One

Two darling sons 
Two handsome ones

Now that one's gone
One that for ever
Will be loved 
One that no longer
Will come home

I need your strength 
I need your prayers
I need you friend 
To help me share 
That I had Two, Not one

~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan 
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999

For Mother's Day

This Mother's Day
I hope my Son 
You will come home 
And bring me Hope

Each day that pass
With all my heart
I want.....
That if I  fall
You will come back
And hold my hand

I know you can't
But maybe once, I ask?

Just for one day?
This Mother's Day?
Please don't forget!!!!
Is so important
You'll be safe

Please dear God....
Let him come home
Mami forgot to let him know
He was so loved
And now each day
I miss him so!!!

I promise, God
That if he comes
When day is gone
I'll send him up

Please hear me, God
Give me one chance
He needs to know
That I will keep his memory strong

My darling son, my little one
That's all I want
Only this once
I need to see my baby's face
Just one more day
For mother's Day

~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan 
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999

The Wings of Gold

Back that Tuesday when you died
I still remember my dream
An Angel came here to me
And presented me "The Gift"

  He asked that I closed my eyes
It was then I saw your smile
You were glowing, OH, so bright!!!!
It was then I realized
What they have given to you

I laughed cause you couldn't move
They were so heavy, My Love
It was then the angel spoke:
"They've never seen one so young
Deserving " The Wings of Gold"

Your smile made the sky so bright
They were there so surprised!!!!!

Angels read records all night
Searching, wondering? Is this right?
But it was a waste of time
God decided it was just
To reward such special soul

My younger son made me proud!!!!
One more time, just like before
He was there, up, in the clouds
Helping every one around

When I woke up then that morning
I kissed goodbye to your body
It was cold, your soul was gone
But inside there was a smile
No one saw it, Just You and I
Sometimes I have wonder, Why?

It was then I realized
I was no longer alone
You were there by my side
And your Wings were, OH, so bright!!!!

My son won
The Wings of Gold!!!!
My sweet son,
Had Wings of Gold!!!!!
Same as his love here on earth
When he walked among his friends

For my son Felipe
Forever 23

My Wish

 I had a crazy dream last night
A Genie appeared to me
He said that I could have a wish
A wish just made for me 

He offered me all sorts of things
He wanted me to have
I could become a star!!!!! 
I could have diamond rings!!!!!
I could become important, rich
A million of material things
That really meant nothing to me

 He wanted me to wish all this
He was Witty and smart
But I surprised him when I asked
To be with you in Heaven's Farm

 I wanted more than anything
To spend a day with you
We'll sing and dance
I'll make you laugh
I'll see your eyes, See you alive

 The poor Genie never had kids
He couldn't understand my wish
He's never felt that special bond
Between a  mother and her sons 

 I have been wanting this so long, to see my baby son 
'Cause no material things on earth will ever be so great!!! 
The Genie shook his hands real fast
And there in heaven...... I was
 I took you in my arms, I touched your face, and saw your smile
I spend all day hugging my child

It was so great, I had no pain!!!!!
 But time ran fast
All of the sudden..... I heard my name
The Genie said I couldn't stay
I realized, Oh Lord, not yet
Please let me stay just one more day
 I felt my body shaking, the pain again returning
I realized my son was gone, he was in heaven with the Lord

 I was so sad, I felt so bad
I'll have to wait to get my wish
Is not my time to be with him
Some day my son...
I'll touch your face.....I'll see your smile again
I'll see your eyes that were so bright
We'll both become part of the light

 For my son Felipe/11-20-73--4/13/99
2 year anniversary  this Good Friday

What should I call Myself?

What should my Title be??
My son it has been two years
Without you being here
My pain is still so intense
I think it should have a name.

I have looked in every book
And in every Encyclopedia
I'm not an Orphan or Nun,
A Widower or a Fighter
I have never gone to War
Been a Princess or a Zhar.

What should I be call then
That describes me to this world?
I just need to find a way
To tell others what I am
And I have to find this fast.

So people can understand
My child I no longer have
I demand a simple word
That tells the world with respect
How my world came to an end
In one second, in one breath.

For all of you now to read
For you, I have made this list
With the hope I get my wish
Please decide a name for me
After reading What I feel!!!!

This, world, is the greatest loss
Any human can endure
On Earth this pain has no cure
I've lost a love that was pure
His voice I no longer hear
He's not home, or always near
My child I no longer see.

This is so hard to believe
Everyday lots, lots of tears
I feel broken, lonely, fear
Desperation, Devastation.

I've lost dreams that we once had
And every morning
I'm sad In my heart
I have his love
My son will always be young.

A picture I have to kiss
Empty my arms will be
And my son I'll always miss
Inside me a burning fire
Uncontrollable desire.

To touch his face, see him smile
I've learned well how to pretend
A different mask each day
And when tired, I can't rest
Please give this mother a Title.

Tell me what I should be called
At least I deserve a name
That describes this endless pain
If the world knows what I am
I'll be safe and won't be hurt.

Ileana Martin

Background Music - "From This Moment On" - Shania Twain


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