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Poems In Memory of Felipe A. Pagan
~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
Orlando, Florida
Felipe dancing with his mother at the party, Dec 12th, 1998
Today In My Room
Today in my room
I cried all day
Thinking of you
Dying in pain
Today in my room,
I prayed
But I won't be safe again
Be safe from the pain
Oh God!!!!
How it hurts
My whole body aches
My eyes can not see
What's ahead of me
My heart can not bit
It can no longer dream
When I close my eyes
I can see your smile
It was perfect, my child
So gentle and bright
A brave little man
That grew up So fast!!!!!
My wonderful son
That died so alone
Today in my room
I'm thinking of you
Today I'm not brave
Today I'm in pain
Today in my room
I want to hug you
Today in my room
I can only hope
Today in my room
Everything is cold
Ileana
To my son Felipe Forever 25
A Note for My Son
You're gone from my sight
But not from my heart
If I could go back
I'll hug you all night
This feels so unreal
But it's been a Year
I hope you're an Angel
And always be near
They say angels see
But they can not feel
The pain that we have
I'm glad that's a fact
Cause Mami don't want
For you to be Sad
You were the best son
A parent could have
So now you deserve
To be happy once
You always took care
Of everyone here
Your gift now is heaven
God has you for ever
You deserved the best
You always work hard
Now is time to rest
And fly all you want
Only one more thing
I want you to have
I send you my love
Big Kiss and a Hug
I send you my heart
You are my "Best Man"
You were the best son
Any one could have
For Felipe/forever 25 Ileana
Thinking
I'm here just thinking like a mother
Whose darling son is here no longer
What's wrong with me?....
Why I didn't have?
The gift of giving you my child
I ask you Lord why was not I,
The one that closed my baby's eyes?
He died so lonely,
He must have cried!!
Why was not I, there by his side?
I read him stories every night
Talked about you up in the sky
We went to church and praise your name
Why couldn't I send him away?
That last reward I didn't have
To put his face close to my heart
To close his eyes,
And say Goodbye
To let him know he was my life
Your mother knows this kind of pain
Ask her one day, you must know that,
It is so bad, it brakes you apart
No child on earth should ever have
To die alone without his Mom
But who am I to ask you this?
Forgive me lord for I have sin
This awful pain won't let me think I want a dream!!!
I want my son here, now, with me
Please don't get mad,
I am so sad
I thought that I should let you know
That if you want, please let me have
One last reward
When is my turn to go away
I want my son, the one you have
To come and get me, if he can
I'll be so glad to touch his hand
And walked with him to heaven's farm
Could you my Lord let me have that?
I'll be so happy, I'll be so glad!!!!!!
A Place
I've just met a group of friends
We all seem to feel the same
We are all part of a place
Where we share each others pain
In this place we're all alone
No one wants ever to go
It is filled by those who lost
At least a daughter or son
A child that will forever
No longer be here with us
This place is not really far
It is here in our hearts
No one believes it exist
Others think is just a myth!!
Is a place where our old friends
Seem to no longer ask
About the kids we once had
Like if they don't say a word
It will no longer hurt
They are scared, they don't want
Ever to walk our path
We know no one understands
Unless they've been there once
Once you've entered this place
There's no way you'll be the same
It is in this place that we keep
All the dreams that we once had
All of our hopes and our past
The memories of our child
It is in this place
Where we've learned
That the pain will not be less
Whether we are asleep or awake
That we were betrayed by fate
It is there where we pray
And ask for that great reward
Dear God, please find the way
We'll be patient and we'll wait
For that clear sunny day
When we no longer feel pain
We all want the same reward
See our child and have them back
Let them come and take our hand
Let them take us to your land
Let us never be apart
~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
My Sweet Delight
No matter what I do
I feel the pain
Whether is a sunny
Or rainy day
Ever since you've gone
To the heaven above
I miss so much
Your face, your smile
Your love that was my life
He was so smart and bright
He'll make your day
A sweet delight
Without him there's no life
I couldn't see your eyes
But boy!!!! I saw the smile
The day you died
You surely saw the light
There's something you should know
When I was young
I had a crazy thought.....
That love was only
For the lucky and the strong
Until that day,
That you were born
I realized, that I have given life
To the most precious son alive
I understood right then and there
The power of the light
It took me all this time
To really understand
That you were His, not mine
Oh God!!!!!!
How much a mother
Loves her child!!!!
I know that I will cry
Until the day I die
Don't ask me why
I miss his smile
He was my son, my life
He was my sweet delight!!!!
~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
Some Days When I'm Alone
Some days
When I'm alone
I fear !!!!
Can't hold my tears
If I go out I hear the sounds
Of families around
It makes me sad
Cause I think back
When I had you
Here in my arms
I feel the wind
Blow in my cheeks
And all I think....
My darling son
Has given me a kiss
I hold my fear
I hold my tears
And I think back..
All I could whisper
In your ears was
"Don't worry dear,
Your Mami is here
So please don't fear.
No more pain
Will come your way.
I will get old,
but you my love
Forever will be young".
~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
The Club
I am a lucky member
Of one special club
We were selected at random
Not knowing it will come
Each one of us as members
Have this unique rare bond
We all have special angels
There in the sky above
This bond is.... Oh, so special
That everyday we know
What each one of the members
Is suffering alone
No words are necessary
No cry we need to hear
We fill each others pain
Whether we are far or near
We all know that our angels
Are happy and at peace
We just would like to see them
And at night...sing a lullaby
Until they go to sleep
We all wish we could tell them
How much they mean to us
And while they were listening
Give them all a huge big hug
Oh God! please let me have
One day a big reward
I know that you can hear me
You know the pain I have
Let me one day if you can
Have my angel in my arms
Let me kiss him
Long and hard!!!!!
Let me see his face
At last!!!!!!!
Let me have him in my arms
Let us never be apart
~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
Two, Not One
My dear friends
My grieving has no end
I know my tears give you fear
I'm sorry I'm this way
My darling son
That I adore
Took here on earth
His final breath
From this day on
Here in my home
One will be missing
One will be gone
Remember back,
when we all laugh?
Now all I want
Is if you can
Sharewith me
My past, my memories Of Him!!!!
That's all I ask
That's all I got
For I will never
Forget once!!!!
That I had two
Not One
Two darling sons
Two handsome ones
Now that one's gone
One that for ever
Will be loved
One that no longer
Will come home
I need your strength
I need your prayers
I need you friend
To help me share
That I had Two, Not one
~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
For Mother's Day
This Mother's Day
I hope my Son
You will come home
And bring me Hope
Each day that pass
With all my heart
I want.....
That if I fall
You will come back
And hold my hand
I know you can't
But maybe once, I ask?
Just for one day?
This Mother's Day?
Please don't forget!!!!
Is so important
You'll be safe
Please dear God....
Let him come home
Mami forgot to let him know
He was so loved
And now each day
I miss him so!!!
I promise, God
That if he comes
When day is gone
I'll send him up
Please hear me, God
Give me one chance
He needs to know
That I will keep his memory strong
My darling son, my little one
That's all I want
Only this once
I need to see my baby's face
Just one more day
For mother's Day
~written by Ileana Martin
In Memory of her son, Felipe A. Pagan
November 20, 1973 - April 13, 1999
The Wings of Gold
Back that Tuesday when you died
I still remember my dream
An Angel came here to me
And presented me "The Gift"
He asked that I closed my eyes
It was then I saw your smile
You were glowing, OH, so bright!!!!
It was then I realized
What they have given to you
I laughed cause you couldn't move
They were so heavy, My Love
It was then the angel spoke:
"They've never seen one so young
Deserving " The Wings of Gold"
Your smile made the sky so bright
They were there so surprised!!!!!
Angels read records all night
Searching, wondering? Is this right?
But it was a waste of time
God decided it was just
To reward such special soul
My younger son made me proud!!!!
One more time, just like before
He was there, up, in the clouds
Helping every one around
When I woke up then that morning
I kissed goodbye to your body
It was cold, your soul was gone
But inside there was a smile
No one saw it, Just You and I
Sometimes I have wonder, Why?
It was then I realized
I was no longer alone
You were there by my side
And your Wings were, OH, so bright!!!!
My son won
The Wings of Gold!!!!
My sweet son,
Had Wings of Gold!!!!!
Same as his love here on earth
When he walked among his friends
For my son Felipe
Forever 23
My Wish
I had a crazy dream last night
A Genie appeared to me
He said that I could have a wish
A wish just made for me
He offered me all sorts of things
He wanted me to have
I could become a star!!!!!
I could have diamond rings!!!!!
I could become important, rich
A million of material things
That really meant nothing to me
He wanted me to wish all this
He was Witty and smart
But I surprised him when I asked
To be with you in Heaven's Farm
I wanted more than anything
To spend a day with you
We'll sing and dance
I'll make you laugh
I'll see your eyes, See you alive
The poor Genie never had kids
He couldn't understand my wish
He's never felt that special bond
Between a mother and her sons
I have been wanting this so long, to see my baby son
'Cause no material things on earth will ever be so great!!!
The Genie shook his hands real fast
And there in heaven...... I was
I took you in my arms, I touched your face, and saw your smile
I spend all day hugging my child
It was so great, I had no pain!!!!!
But time ran fast
All of the sudden..... I heard my name
The Genie said I couldn't stay
I realized, Oh Lord, not yet
Please let me stay just one more day
I felt my body shaking, the pain again returning
I realized my son was gone, he was in heaven with the Lord
I was so sad, I felt so bad
I'll have to wait to get my wish
Is not my time to be with him
Some day my son...
I'll touch your face.....I'll see your smile again
I'll see your eyes that were so bright
We'll both become part of the light
For my son Felipe/11-20-73--4/13/99
2 year anniversary this Good Friday
What should I call Myself?
What should my Title be??
My son it has been two years
Without you being here
My pain is still so intense
I think it should have a name.
I have looked in every book
And in every Encyclopedia
I'm not an Orphan or Nun,
A Widower or a Fighter
I have never gone to War
Been a Princess or a Zhar.
What should I be call then
That describes me to this world?
I just need to find a way
To tell others what I am
And I have to find this fast.
So people can understand
My child I no longer have
I demand a simple word
That tells the world with respect
How my world came to an end
In one second, in one breath.
For all of you now to read
For you, I have made this list
With the hope I get my wish
Please decide a name for me
After reading What I feel!!!!
This, world, is the greatest loss
Any human can endure
On Earth this pain has no cure
I've lost a love that was pure
His voice I no longer hear
He's not home, or always near
My child I no longer see.
This is so hard to believe
Everyday lots, lots of tears
I feel broken, lonely, fear
Desperation, Devastation.
I've lost dreams that we once had
And every morning
I'm sad In my heart
I have his love
My son will always be young.
A picture I have to kiss
Empty my arms will be
And my son I'll always miss
Inside me a burning fire
Uncontrollable desire.
To touch his face, see him smile
I've learned well how to pretend
A different mask each day
And when tired, I can't rest
Please give this mother a Title.
Tell me what I should be called
At least I deserve a name
That describes this endless pain
If the world knows what I am
I'll be safe and won't be hurt.
Ileana Martin
4/28/2001
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